The Categorical Ranking Of Aussie Christmas Food

I will speak on behalf of every Australian when I say Christmas Food below the equator is without a shadow of a doubt - extremely mediocre.

Jesus would legit be rolling in his grave if he knew what was going on in the catering department of his annual B’Day Bash. He would be serving straight “I need to speak to the manager” vibes. 

#HBJESUS

We don’t have much to work with here, but alas, I will be ranking the best Australian Christmas Food. It should be noted that I have a peculiar palette at the best of times, so the following ~Festive Food Olympics~ may be controversial. That’s showbiz baby.

Naturally, I am open to your feedback and opinions on this matter - as long as you are acutely aware that you are wrong if you disagree with my choices.

Let us BEGIN! Nom nom nom.

Christmas Ham

Coming in hot, like a Christmas Ham straight outta the oven, is the humble glazed Ham itself! Only on Christmas Day is it socially acceptable to eat ham with your bare hands as a stand alone dish. Haters will sit there and say that eating slices of ham when it is not on a sandwich or wrap is psychotic - yet will happily eat it on a $6 pizza with pineapple and a side of garlic bread. Where’s the lie?!?! The jig is up, so let’s all get H.A.M!

Fruit Mince Pies

I am throwing hands if I wake up on December 25 and there are no fruit mince pies within a 10 metre radius of me. They are sweet, spicy, and everything nice. A majority of Christmas desserts are FOOKING DISGOSTANG, like - sorry... But Trifle and Christmas Pudding can absolutely rekt. The joyous and unassuming mince pie is living proof that good things come in small packages… Shantay, you stay.

Cob Loaf

It goes without saying that the only way to put up with screaming babies, newlyweds, and boomer uncles - is the almighty cob loaf. It is genuinely impossible for anyone to be unhappy when there is a glorious cheesy cob in the room - no seriously, cheese happens to be especially addictive because the casein ingredient. Alas, everyone is going to be way too focused on the cob to notice if you are unemployed, single, failing at life - or all the above! You will notice that there’s way less incessant questions with there’s a loaf of bliss in the room. Thank me later.

Pavlova

...Duh.

Bring on the eggy, fruity, Australian mess that is the glorious pavlova! I will go as far to say that I simply would just sleep through Christmas had the pavlova not been created… Because what is the other incentive for me to hang around my kitchen and family members I may or may not despise for 8 hours straight? Really unsure why single people hate being alone on the holidays, if it means one less person getting their greasy mitts on my beloved pavvie...