Hello you great hunk of spunks.
Weird flex but - Kath & Kim is similar to Sex and the City in the way that there is one character or more that whether we like to admit it or not, we are similar to. But - I am sick of magazines telling me what my horoscope is as a mainstream TV or movie character, give me something I can actually use??? I honestly couldn't care less if Bella Swan is a Virgo or Sagittarius. That’s why I am here to answer all your prayers.
Aries: Sharon Strzelecki
Aries are extremely passionate and motivated peeples, and who is more passionate about Shane Warne than our girl Sharon? Aries are born leaders, which evidently comes in handy when captaining the Sapphires Netball Team. They are known for their cheerful disposition, particularly when footy franks are in the room.
Taurus: Kim Craig (Nee Day)
Your word revolves around two things, and two things only: food, and yourself. Taurus are extremely dedicated (to fit into those sass and bido size 10 jeans), but can be extremely stubborn. You turn into a savage when rubbed the wrong way, so beware to anyone on the receiving end of a Taurus’ insult.
~Sharon you great bloody oaf~
Gemini: Sandy Freckle
Two-faced af. Geminis are known to be extremely impulsive so they will have no problems in stealing yo girl (4 times) and organising a shotgun wedding. Geminis are extremely outgoing so they can dazzle the pants off anyone. You’re not a freckle, you’re a mole.
Cancers are very caring peeples, hence making the perfect illegitimate marriage counsellors. Cancers tend to rely on their intuition as opposed to their practical or rational judgement, so you are most likely to be sent to jail for your unorthodox methods. Your hobbies include spontaneously removing your clothes.
Leo: Kath Day-Knight
The most fashionable of all the star signs. Leos are pacifically known for being yuuuge trendsetters, while also having an admirable creative streak. This comes in handy when you need to get a crack on all those important projects of yours, like making gumnut baby earrings or completing 5 tafe courses.
Virgo: Kel Day-Knight
Virgos are extremely hard working, and will not rest until they’ve created the perfect pork and fennel sausage recipe. Despite being very sweet and loyal, they also have a very fiery side. Gird your loins if you’re Eric Bana at the Gloria Jean’s Train Station Opening.
Libra: Brett Craig
Libras are very caring foxy morons, and born animal lovers - you worship the ground your dog Cujo walks on, even if it compromises your relationship. Libras are very social so will befriend The Boulton Twins with ease, even when they “spike” your drink. You are very clever so prepare to climb that computa city corporate ladder!
Scorpios determination comes in handy when working at your greeeysh European Homewares shop, particularly when selling horse hair switches. You are extremely ambitious, but can be quite resentful: particularly towards your shady stockbroker husband Graham. All men are barrrstarrds anyways.
Sagittarius: Gary Poole
Sags are a very spontaneous bunch, so you have no problem fking off to Honkers whenever you please. Sagittarius’ take risks and think about the consequences later, like stealing your daughter’s money. You can be quite blunt and rude, so it’s a good thing you know Mandarin.
Capricorn: Daryll Lee
Capricorns are very ambitious and stereotypical workaholics.
You are determined to deliver the best tailoring shop that Fountain Gate has ever seen, probably to impress a certain scorpio from the homewares shop. Caps never give up on producing the most admirable powder blue or rose pink suit possible - but there’s a no return policy.
You are independent and assertive, making you the perfect #GIRLBOSS at Fountain Lake Computa City. Aquarians live for technology, and being straight to the point. You will have no problem telling Kim the proper pronunciation of Chardonnay, only to have an affair with her husband a few seasons later.
Pisces can be quite dishonest, particularly when geeing up their netball skills (or lack thereof). This often lands them in hot water, but good thing you have that fiddling gig at Molly Blooms. Who needs em when you’ve got speed dating and river dancing.
OFC this is all completely legitimate - I did a horoscope TAFE course. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and I’m talking from Uranus.